Somebody Get Me Off This Toilet
by PrincessMadelineCullen
Summary: One minute Bella is going to the bathroom the next 30 minutes pass by and she is still in there what she might be doing? Find out. The title will give you a clue
1. Chapter 1

**Alright. This is my first chapter. So tell me what you think. I really wanted this to be funny.**

**Your Author**

**Somebody get me off of this Toilet**

Bella's POV

I walked slowly over to the bathroom and waited for Alice to get out the shower. Lord I need to use the bathroom. Hurry up Alice. Other people need to do their business. Okay finally Alice got out of the bathroom.

I closed the door behind me and pulled down my $2.00 pants. My feet dangled over the toilet seat .The toilet were pretty cold and I should. Too bad Jacob wasn't here to warm the seat up for me.

After doing my business I tried pulling my butt up but I was stuck. _Crap_. I started thinking about calling someone but I still had my Dora the explorer undies down and I didn't want to be embarrassed.

The reason why I have Dora Explorer underwear is because when I was in Arizona and I had gotten pneumonia and I had to stay at the hospital for two weeks and I started watching Nickelodeon Jr. and so I got pretty obsessed and before I knew it I was at Target buying my first pair of Dora the Explorer underwear. There was a big rush of satisfactory after buying my first pair of Dora the explorer underwear.

Later---------

"Bella, is that you, haven't you been in there for 30 minutes?"Carlisle asked questioningly.

"Yes, it's me," I replied wearily. I lifted my head but ended up hitting the edge of the countertop. That ought to put a scar in my head. I thought tiresomely.

"What are you doing in there?" Carlisle asked yet again.

"Daddy, get out me out of here," I whined impatiently without answering his question.

"Hold on hone, I'll get you out there in a second, is the door stuck or did you trip in the shower and you're in a position which is not easy to get out of?" Carlisle answered quickly.

"NO, there is sticky glue on the toilet and I'm itchy but I can't reach the lotion and it smells funny, and I'm thirsty, I need something to drink and to eat…preferably a garden salad from Wendy's with chicken on the side, a coke too, and a kids toy," I replied and asked at the same time.

"Alright then I'm…..."Carlisle tried to say but I had already butted in.

"NO, I don't have anything on," I replied hopelessly.

"You mean to tell me you are in the bathroom without any clothes on," Carlisle asked in shock.

"No, I have clothes on I just have any pants on or underwear, how do you expect me to sit on the toilet and do my business without having my underwear off and pants?" I answered furiously.

"Bring in a female, okay, I'm sorry I'm like this but I am going through PMS and I can't help it," I cried softly.

"It's okay Bella, It won't matter that much to Edward if he sees me helping you," Carlisle replied casually.

"PLEASE, get a female I can't stand being in here it's torture, and speaking of torture will you get Emmett I think he is the one responsible for doing this," I asked thinking of Alice telling Emmett off. Wouldn't that be sweet victory.

"By the way, Where is Emmett?" I asked furiously.

"Oh, he said he was going to go cross country, he also told me to give this to you," Carlisle said while reaching into his pocket and grabbing a letter with my name on it.

The Letter Read:

Dear Bells,

This trick took months of planning and I had to keep the top secret information away from a mind reader and I psychic. Think about it this way. When Edward comes and get's you he is going to be very impulsive and start ripping everything apart until he gets to your clothes. No need to thank me I do this kind of marriage helping all the time. Don't worry about me I'm already in France watching the nude women put on sun screen. Don't tell Rosalie I will be in so much trouble and she will divorce me. Do you want me to be divorced?

Sincerely your lovely Prankster,

Emmett

"Ok," Carlisle spoke soothingly as if that was going to get the sticky glue off my butt and the toilet. I sighed deeply as if getting Emmett's butt kicked wasn't enough. And to be quite honest it isn't. But that's just me.

A Few Minutes Later

"Bella, are you okay," Alice spoke questioningly.

"Yeah, I'm fine but will you get me off this toilet," I asked wearily.

"Alright, are you comfortable with me being in here," Alice asked quickly trying to forget that I'm not wearing anything other than a shirt.

"Yeah, you can come in, but just don't tease me," I told Alice quietly.

"Umm……. why would I tease you?" Alice replied oddly.

Hope You enjoyed. It's my first. But if you review I will write the second chapter. Then you get to find out what Edward is going to do when he sees his beloved stuck on the toilet. Yes it's time for a Emmett vs. Edward showdown. May the best prankster win.


	2. Eddiepuss to the rescue

Sorry. It took a little bit more time to finish. Not as long as the others. But i really didn't see a need to make things long.

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Edward's POV

I couldn't here anybody in the bathroom so I entered. OH LORD. Bella was on the toilet with her head on the countertop. She looked tired. Her lips were shriveled ever so slightly. Most likely because she didn't get a chance to put on her lip cream from the doctors.

I slowly tired to lift her up. But she was stuck. I gave another lift. She wouldn't budge. **Emmett**. Emmett had just dropped the last straw. Oh when I get my hands on him. Bad things are going to happen to him, bad things. I started thinking about what I could do to him. Ah ha. A prank war. Yes I will beat him in a prank war. I'll paint his car princess pink. And put unicorn stickers on the bumper. That'll crush him.

But back to my darling Bella. I left the room searching for Carlisle. He was in his study reading the "latest trends."

" Dad do you know about Bella," I asked reluctantly.

"Yes I do, She'll be fine just let her sleep where she is," He replied quickly to involved in his "Latest Trends" to think about my uncomfortable Bella.

"Carlisle we need to get her off, Get your laptop and search on Google: how to get sticky glue off a toilet," I told him anxiously. Carlisle got up from his chair reluctantly. He picked up his laptop and brought over the power cord. I had already left the room and was heading back for the bathroom. Alice had heard are footsteps and was already behind me holding a nightie. It seemed to be from the 1800's. But that would have to do.

Carlisle got on to his knees and looked for a electrical port. He was quite close to Bella so I gave him a warning cough. His hands trembled a little and glanced over his shoulder to see how bad my face looked. He used to say whenever he looked at my face he was always able to see how mad or upset I was. Most likely a doctor thing. Bella's eyes fluttered ever so slightly. Then they finally opened up fully. She glanced at me curiously. Then glanced over to Alice.

"Eddie, Get me off here," Bella whined.

"Don't worry, sweetie pie," I said trying to soothe her.

"Hmmm," Carlisle said trying to get us to listen to what he found.

"Yes," I asked wearily.

"Well the only practical way to get Bella off the toilet is to pour burning hot water on the toilet seat or have someone hold the toilet down and then someone else lifts her up," Carlisle replied.

"hhhhh," Bella whimpered to the first idea.

"I don't think were going to do the first one," I replied to her whimpering cry.

"We'll get you off don't worry, hone," I said trying to relax her. I really didn't know if we were going to get her off.

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Thanks for reading please please please please PLEASE REIVEW. 10 more reviews and i will right the next i'm not being to demanding.


	3. Coke and a Shirt

EPOV

Bella lifted her hands over to mine. They seemed so limp and weak. Most likely because she hasn't had a fantastic meal made by Esme in an hour. I twined her fingers within mine.

"Baby, don't worry, things are going to be alright," I tried to comfort her.

"Eddiepuss, I'm getting uncomfortable again," Bella whimpered.

"Ha," Carlisle laughed quickly.

"Yes, Carlisle do you have anything to say 'bout that," I asked tiredly.

"Oh, Nothing," Carlisle replied slowly.

Rosalie came into the room looking like she always did. Beautiful in her own Emmett way.

"Uh….What's going on?" Rosalie questioned enthusiastically seeing Bella.

"Ah, Am,Waha," Bella cried just thinking about her problem.

"Way to go Rose," I snapped back.

"Whaaat?" Rose whined.

"Just Shut Up," I told Rose.

"I'm confused I don't read minds remember, I'm just over exceedingly beautiful, so don't start hating," Rose told me without thinking. Well technically she can't think.

The most interesting thought popped into my head. I will put boy things all over her convertible. Muhahahaa. This is going to be perfect. It'll crush her.

"I'm thirsty, can I have something to drink," Bella asked slowly. I immediately got up to go downstairs.

We had a bottle of coke left so that was what she was going to get. I marched up the steps. The bottle was open and it spilt oddly enough. And now my shirt is covered in Coke syrup. Hey I know something that will cheer Bella up. She can lick all of the coke flavoring off my shirt. She'll defiantly like that. But I have to get Carlisle and Rose and Alice out of the bathroom.

I walked back upstairs not that worried about my shirt.

"Carlisle, will you go and see if Esme will cook something for Bella, Rose will you just leave us, and Alice will you look in my room and go and get a big tee shirt," I commanded everyone to do.

"Ok," Everyone replied in perfect unison. _I'm only doing this for Bella_. _Just for Bella, I'm never going to do this again._


	4. Dear Toilet

Dear Peeps. I am trying to do better. But i am losing my inspiration. So if you have an idea and you seriously want this story to continue will you email me your ideas. Thanks. Hope you enjoy. I don't own anything in the Twilight World. I'm not Stephenie Meyer. Crap. I was really hoping for my birthday i would be confronted and told that i was Stephenie MEyer and that in my sleep i wrote the stories. But oh well. That's not going to happen.

Your Author and Stephenie Meyer Wannabe,

Madalynn Cullen wannabe

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A Diary Entry,

BPOV

Dear Diary,

Well it has officially been 2 days since I was pranked by **Emmett. **When I asked Edward to get my diary he left the room and went to the finest paper store and made me one at staples. He must have put a lot of love into it because it is so gorgeous. He even put a picture of him doing a dance to "Single Ladies" in it to make me laugh since Jacob hasn't been able to come over. Must be tied up with Wolf business. As usual. Everyone pays close attention to me like I may make a break through in science. Hold on a second. I need to use the bathroom.

Okay I'm back. Edward is back. He said he would let me lick of the coke flavoring of his shirt. **Heee Hoo Heee Hoo.** I am so excited. I cannot wait. Alright guys you have to wait. A few minutes. Or so.

I'm back. It was so much fun. His skin was cold enough to cool down the coke. It was so much fun. Things even got a little physical. And I liked it. A lot.

Bella Swan {Bella Cullen Wannabe}

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What did you think. i am trying very hard but as i said before i am losing my inspiration. SO help me. PLease review Thnx a bunch. In a chipmunk voice. Tee HEee HHeee MUhhhahhhahhaa HHHaaa Haaa Haaa. Tee hheee


	5. Dear Toilet: The Last Days

Hi, Well i am going to make this quick. These are the final days. So let the prank war begin. I don't own anything in the Twilight world. I'm not Stephenie Meyer. Hump.

Madalynn Cullen

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A Diary Entry

Dear Toilet,

BPOV

Carlisle found a way to get me off the toilet. Boo Hoo. I was kinda getting used to sleeping here. I never had to worry about getting up and using bathroom. Since I was stuck on it. So the way Eddiepussy is going to get me off the toilet is by sawing the Toilet as possible. I'm really scared. Hold on a sec. Eddie is in here. Be right back.

10 minutes later

Well Eddie told me we didn't have to saw the toilet. God, do you hate me? What have I done to deserve such bad treatment? I was really starting to look forward to him sawing the toilet. Then he would get so close to me. And then he would become tempted and would get very physical.

Later

Well the new way to getting me off the toilet is by heating up the glue. And I'm not quite sure if I like it. Wouldn't my skin burn? Wait a minute Eddiepuss is coming in the will only take a second.

Later

Eddie told me that Emmett is back and that Alice is having a serious talk with him about what he did to me. And he told me that Rosalie was threatning him with calling a ought to teach Emmett a lesson. Eddie also told me that he was going to try and get back at him with a prank war. That sounds like fun. {**Just to let you guys know I am not going to talk about Bella getting off the toilet. I am going to focus all my funnies on the prank war Sorry}**

Days Later

I'm free. Let the Prank wars begin.

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What do you think. Sorry i am not doing as well. I just want to get to the Prank Wars. That is where the funnies jackpot is.

Sorry.

please review. Thnx


	6. Torture

Emmett's POV

Dear God,

God I know what I did was wrong but do I really deserve a divorce? And do I really have to hide in the closet. Yes? I do? Why god lord why. I know I have had a pretty good share of pranks but God, must I go through with such pain. I can't lose Rose. Please, Please let me survive this time of difficulties.

BPOV

This is great. Yeeeeesssssss. MUHAHAHAHAHAHAH. OHHH Emmett is so going to get it. Oh yes this is my time to shine. These are the moments I wait for. Yes this is going to great. Oh yeah. This is just perfect. 

EPOV

Thank the heavens. Emmett is going to get. He's going to get it so good he'll end up hiding in closet because he is afraid of my greatness. He will learn not to mess with MY woman. Yes sir. This is the greatness moment in my life. Ok maybe not.

CPOV

Do I really deserve this. I make a family and now this family is growing into to groups? This just isn't fair I deserve better. Ok maybe I'm being a little dramatic but really a Prank War? Although it would be funny seeing Emmett's car painted pink and everything. Get a grip Carlisle I should be preparing for this. Okay I guess I could start calling the travel agents. Maybe Esme and I could go to Tahiti. Yeah. Esme is always bothering me about going to Tahiti.

Esme's POV

Alright Carlisle is most likely calling the travel agent seeing if we can get a room in Tahiti. Ok I guess I ought to pack my clothes now. Wait a minute I'm rich I could buy clothes there. Yeah. It's great being rich. I wonder what Edward is up to other than planning a scheme that will make Emmett kill himself. Which would be quite difficult considering he's a vampire.

EPOV

My list of torture

Paint his car princess pink

Pay for Rosalie's Divorce

Shave his head

Put shaving cream in his boxers

Get all of his clothes and put them in a trash can

Get rid of all of this Telly Tubbies 

Of course I will get rid of his Care Bears and his Care Bear underwear


	7. My Tellie Tubbies

Hi, Well i thought i would put another chapter since i don't have school until tuesday. Yeah. SO i hope u people like it. I don't own anything in the Twilight world. Im not Stephenie Meyer. Darn.

Madalynn Cullen

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Emmett's POV

Dear really small diary,

My tellie tubbies are gone! And I know Edward did it I just know it. So now I'm at Wal-Mart looking for a safe. I have to have my care bears and care bear undies. I wore those threw the bad times and the good times. I just can't loose them.

I've decided to stock up on Wal mart gift cards because I know Rosalie will throw me out of the house and I'll probably need to by some more Nexus shampoo and conditioner. And man i am to tally loosing my manlyness.

Rosalie locked me out of my own room. That just ain't right. I can't believe she did that. And she trashed my Elvis cd. Oh Edward is so going to get it. I don't care if I have to get Bella to divorce Edward I will avenge this naughtiness.

My list of torture

Get rid of Edward's Webkinz's

Turn his boxers into women undies

Replace is selsum blue shampoo with strawberry shortcake shampoo

Get rid of his I love barney tapes

Rip his first tickets to see sesame street

This is good really good. I'm going to crush Edward. MUHHAHAHAHAH HAHAHA MHAHAHAH HEHEHEHEHE. Yes, Yes this is good very good. Yes my diabolical plan to take over the world is complete. Ok may be not but it will. So Muhahahahahahah Heehehehehe HAHAHAHAH MUDMDHAHFSHS yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes this is great. My madness is complete.

Later

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOO!!! My teddy bears. There gone. God kill me kill me now. Now god now. I can't take it. I just can't stand it. I can not believe this is happening. Oh it's go time. I ran down the steps with the speed of light. I open the garage door and no. NO, NO, NO, NO, No ,NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! My manly Jeep is now covered with my little pony stickers. This isn't right he can't do this to me. There has got to be a law for not turning a manly car into Rosalie's car. Oh it's really go time now he's going to wish he kept his fish stick inside his pants.

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Alright things are getting tough but remember i need ur help so please help me. Also check out alice2008's stories there awesome. Please review thnx. thnx. alot.

Madalynn Cullen


	8. Tent and a Air Mattress

Hello, Well i did ask for beta reading assistance but apparently nobody wants to help. So if any of u guys beta read i would really like it if u would beta read me.

I don't own anything in the twilight world

Madeline Cullen

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Emmett's POV

Dear very small diary,

I'm nothing, nothing I tell you nothing. I've been kicked out of my own room and Rosalie took all my credit cards so I only can use Wal-Mart gift cards. And she put my tellie tubies in the shredder. My prize possessions are ruined. Not only are my tellie tubbies gone but all of my shirts are cut into bikinis. So now I walk around in a sports bra. It's so embarrassing. Most of the men ask me if I'm changing genders. Of course that makes me want to rip of their ignorant little heads.

Later

I'm at my winter house. Oh that's right Rosalie took me off the ownership papers. I didn't know women could be so aggressive. But since I don't have anywhere to go I'm staying in a cramped tent with an air mattress. Since I love looking at the stars so often the mattress comes in handy. Even though I can't sleep. But most of the time Rosalie and I do very pleasureful stuff. If you know what I mean.

Later

Either I'm seeing things or there is a bear right in front of me and for once I don't want to eat it. Which is really quite odd. But I don't know maybe I just want to go home.

BPOV

Well Eddie has left to go and stock up on human food. Yeah I know that sounds kind of odd but apparently it's supposed to storm one of those scary storms. So Eddie knows I'm going to want to be around him 24/7. Which gladly means pleasure is on the train yeah.

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Whatcha think abou it. really want a beta reader so will u please volunteer. review review thnx. thnx.


	9. Why Can't I Laugh?

Hi, Sorry it took me so long to write but i was at a total brain freeze and it is almost the end of the year soooooo. Whoopsy. I don't own anything in the twilight World. I'm not Stephenie Meyer either. Crap.

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Why Can't I Laugh

Eddies lips were pressed on my face. Edward pulled away.

"Don't stop!" I whined quickly. Even though I was a vampire it seemed that he still thought we were going too far.

"I'm not going to leave! I live in this room how could I leave," He caressed.

"Good, I want you to stay the same way," I whimpered. I unbuttoned his night shirt. He did the same with me. I smiled at his pale with stubble face.

"Edward? Is that you?" Alice called quickly almost uncomfortably.

"Whaaaaat!! God isn't the door closed, do I ever walk in on you!!!" Edward whined.

"Sorry!! I didn't mean to barge in!!" Alice quickly replied.

"Go away!"Edward started to always whined. I started to laugh but…. But …. I couldn't.

"Eddie? I can't laugh!!!!!!!!!!" I yelped.

"What the….. Emmett!!!!!!!!!" Edward said with a vex look. That didn't surprised but what surprised that he went that far. I'm am going to kick has vampire butt!!!!!

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Hi you likey. Well please comment i need ur help seriously. So ok please review thnx


	10. Turn off the Lights

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Hey guys, this one totally just flew together. it was like really flowie. so hope you like it cause i took alot of carefull percision thinking. JK. I don't own anything in the twilight world. Because if i did then it would take me two years to write a book.

Princess Madeline Cullen

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"Alice get Carlisle, NOW!!!!" Commanded Edward almost too powerfully. Edward almost pushed me off his "Love seat" as we like to call it and buttoned up his shirt with a breeze and I quickly got up and did the same with my mine.

"Hey sick girl who can't laugh, OVER HERE!!" I said sarcastically trying to grab someone's attention. Edward turned his face ever so slightly.

"Sorry, didn't mean to forget the "sick vampire"," Edward half grimaced half crooked smile. I looooooved when he did that. So vampire lovey dovey. I scrambled over to him and half jumped and half sprinted onto his back trying to liven up the group of dismayed vampires.

"Bella, you can't laugh and you decide to jump on my back???" Edward questioned with a million dollar smile.

"So whaaaaaaaat if I can't laugh!! Can't I still be playful??" I questioned playfully.

"That's what I love about you; you never look at anything with a sad smile. You also find that advanced love is better than beginner love!" Edward sugar coated me.

"I'm sure you would agree after we had practice," I charged back at him slyly.

"Honey, I think we have practiced enough," He laughed vigorously.

"HEY, I'm still in the room. Gees maybe I should Carlisle later, seeing you to have much more "talking" to do," Alice laughed excitedly. I lowered my head trying not to show my blush pink face. Edward shooed Alice away and we started where I had left off.

Later at night-----

I lay sprawled on Edward's loveseat enjoying his stroking of my face. We lay there both enjoying the comfort each other brought. I traced the lines of his chest running down to his belly button. Where I pretended to be his mom playing around with his belly button. He laughed silently. I dropped my head on the arm of the seat. I gradually came to his lips and kissed him. If Romeo and Juliet were good at kissing we were the next best.

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What'd ya think. good bad so so. i need to no. so review review review with lots of cherries on to . Thnx.


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